In 2017, a new college graduate, I moved out of my parents’ home to Beijing, China. It has been a wonderful journey that has taught me many things about life. Now, in my career as a teacher, I face a farewell to my first graduating class. It has given me pause to reflect on where I was when I first embarked on a journey similar to the one they are now preparing for. In what state of life was I when I first came here? And how will my students’ experience be different?

Where I was when I moved out on my own

I really started living for myself when I graduated from Boise State with my degree in English Linguistics. Unlike most of my classmates, I commuted to school instead of staying in the dorms—a decision that, while economical, I regret. I would have learned more about myself and built stronger relationships had I moved out earlier. Because I was so anxious about relationships and social skills, this would have made the biggest difference in helping me overcome my perceived shortcomings. That said, when I moved to China, I was still quite young and had ample opportunity to meet new people and try new things—though a bit behind the curve as I was.

Life skills

I moved out into the great unknown—China. You could say I’d had enough of home life and wanted to see something different. China is as different as it gets in some ways. But while I had learned enough life skills to make sure I didn’t starve or end up living on the streets, there were many areas where I didn’t have my act together.

My wife will tell you about the first time she visited my apartment and discovered the mountain of unwashed laundry on the floor of my balcony. Yes, I knew how to do laundry, but there were lots of habits I hadn’t learned. It’s funny when I look back on it, but there wasn’t much excuse for it.

In the job I had, I was making decent money for the area. Beijing is a low-cost-of-living area (as long as you don’t count real-estate prices), and I was making more than enough to meet my basic needs. I was a kid in a candy store. I was making almost 50 percent more than the city’s median salary, and I had no responsibilities—no wife, no kids, just my rent. After a year, I was tired of my first job and ready to switch to a new one, and I had nothing material to show for my time there—just the memories of quite a few late nights and wasted hangover weekends. That, and the memories of my first dates with my wife. So, not a complete loss. That first year was formative for me.

Romance

My youth was marked by idealism. I had strong beliefs about how things should be, and this was especially true about romance. I came from a family in which my parents loved each other deeply and worked hard for each other’s happiness, which can be a rare and precious thing. It also became a burden to my young perfectionist self, who, as shy and socially anxious as he was, couldn’t muster the courage to step out of his comfort zone.

In China, however, with my dishwater blond hair and fair complexion, I received significant feminine attention. I was only 22 and eager to gain romantic experience, although it was far from smooth sailing. As I’ve mentioned in other posts, in my teenage years, I didn’t learn guitar to get girls like any average teenage boy would have done, but rather as a crutch to avoid socializing.

My wife, reflecting on the start of our relationship before we were officially a couple, taught me the word 渣男 (pinyin: zhā nán), which translates to scumbag, jerk, or player (the non-rhotic kind). I hadn’t kissed anyone or done anything forward, but I had gone out with more than one girl at the same time. I was just curious and excited to be making relationships. And my wife still married me after all, so it couldn’t have been that bad.

At heart, I’m a romantic. I’ve always thought my parents’ relationship was an exemplar of what a marriage should be, and I had strong idealistic tendencies. I hoped to prove to them that I could do the same—that I could run a good long-term relationship as well as they have done over the past 36 years. It was for that reason that I jumped the gun and married the first woman I seriously dated. In retrospect, it may have made good mathematical sense to have waited. But you live and learn. C’est la vie. I digress.

Hobbies and interests

Having no real life experience, I was naïve about a lot of things. Aside from not really knowing what to look for in a romantic partner, I also thought that I would have a lot of time to pursue my hobbies. I actually thought I would have time to play guitar and record music.

Allow me to rant a little about this.

What I didn’t know is that drinking and eating out take up a lot of time. And then, having a girlfriend takes a lot of time. And then being married takes a lot of time, too. And that’s not to mention the fact that I’m not super rich, so I have to work 40 hours a week so I can afford food and shelter.

I was so naïve about this that I brought my guitar and a rack-mounted audio recording interface all the way around the globe to China. What was I thinking? How come nobody slapped me in the face and said Wake up, you moron!? Me today would certainly oblige.

I now understand why teenage me gave my parents so much gray hair. I want to punch him—turn his nose into pulp. What an imbecile he was. Like when he got to the interview stage for admission to Brown University and did nothing to prepare for it. Fucking moron. Boise State University and your parents’ home, it is.

My reasoning at the time was, “College just isn’t worth the expense. Why should I pay so much money to jump through hoops just to get a piece of paper that says I went to college so I can get a boring job I hate?” Well, 1) there’s more to college than just going to class and getting a piece of paper, and 2) if you don’t jump through the hoops, you get to do even more boring jobs for less money and have even less free time, not to mention fewer prospects in just about every other area.

But there’s no reasoning with a teenager, least of all when that teenager is yourself.

All this is to say that just-out-of-college me was a real dumbass. He enjoyed himself that first year after moving to China, but he’d made a lot of decisions that meant it was really his only option. He’d studied for a degree that didn’t have much value in the job market, and, like his shyness in romance, he was unwilling to leave his comfort zone and find a good job closer to home. I’d give him two out of five stars for general preparedness for life beyond the cradle.

Ah, I feel better now. Sometimes you just gotta rant.

Where my students are now

But what about my new high-school graduates? How will their experience compare to mine? First, they’re much younger to move out on their own than I was. Three years makes a big difference, and I think that’s a good thing. There’s great value in living on your own—something I didn’t understand when I had the opportunity as a teenager.

Life skills

In terms of life skills, I think they’re better prepared than I was. My students are boarding students, and they’ve lived at the same boarding school for six years. Part of that is a blessing—it means time away from home, a valuable experience. The unavoidable downside is that their lives are still regimented for them, from about 7:30 every morning until 9:30 at night. College dorm life should provide them with a balance between this and the pure, terrifying freedom of adult life.

The commencement speaker at the graduation ceremony—a headmaster from a private prep school in the Midwest—said something poignant. He pointed out that this would be the first time in their lives when they stop following rules and start making up their own. The guidance their parents, friends, and family have given them up to this point will serve as a model for their becoming adults. In the end, though, the decision of what rules to follow and what values to live by will be their own.

One student mentioned that she wanted to learn how to cook, which shows great curiosity and initiative. She’s going to run into challenges at first, though. Dorms don’t always have kitchens, and if they do, they’re almost always communal, which is a euphemism for never clean. Also, many dorm fees include meal plans at the cafeteria. So she’ll have to go out of her way to learn how to cook.

That’s not to say it’s impossible. I don’t know the legality of working on a student visa in the U.S., but if she can swing it, she could get a part-time job as a cook. This would give her a chance to practice those basic skills and learn a few simple recipes. If she can’t get a job, she could always befriend a local commuting classmate for the use of their home kitchen… Where there’s a will, there’s a way. This might be one of many reasons why juniors and seniors move into apartments instead of staying in dorms.

As for other chores of daily life, I’m sure they’ll do a lot better than my mountain of laundry. Make a schedule and stick to it. Play some music while you do your chores. Once you build the habit, it frees up your mind for more important things. If you don’t build these habits, you’ll be running around like a headless chicken, always trying to play catch-up. But these kids are smarter than I was. They won’t have that problem.

Romance and relationships

I may not be eminently qualified to comment on my students’ romantic lives, but I think this is one of the most important experiences of college. Never again is there a time so free and unladen with responsibility in which you can find out what you like, what you don’t like, and learn the critical skills of communication and compromise. And if nothing great comes of it, there’s always the adage that experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.

If they’re anything like me at their age, they have some insecurities about themselves—and that’s natural. I was never confident in my appearance. It took me a long time to realize that it’s not that hard or time-consuming to make positive changes. For example, I always thought I wasn’t muscular enough and was never proud to go to the pool. But I found that with the right diet and as little as 30 to 60 minutes of intense exercise a week (something like HIIT), I could gain a lot of muscle and find reason to be proud of myself.

This is where life skills and a healthy routine affect your relationships. If my students have insecurities related to their physical appearance, they should try to fit some strength training into their lives. Even a little regular exercise can have a significant impact on mood and self-image. You don’t have to set a crazy goal like “supermodel” or “body-builder” levels of body fat—even something as simple as being able to do 20 push-ups is a good start.

The great thing is that college is a wonderful place to discover many physical activities, and there will be plenty of people to do them with. Exercising together not only builds stronger habits, but it’s also a great way to meet new people. They might even kill two birds with one stone if they meet a romantic interest at the gym. The temporary discomfort of physical exertion is really the only downside.

And just as the statistics article I linked above mentions, dating and finding a mate probably can’t be reduced to the mathematical simplicity of the secretary problem. There are many factors that go into the decision, and “a lot of that strategy consists of things other than choosing,” as the author puts it. You could try many things—practicing social skills, “taking … improv classes,” or even making lots of money, if that’s your thing.

So, in summary, they won’t necessarily need to look actively for relationships. They do need to decide if that’s something they’d like to try, but the rest will happen naturally if they keep an open mind and maintain their curiosity. Whether they have confidence in themselves or not, I’m confident they’re capable if they try.

Hobbies and interests

As I mentioned above, one great way to make new friends is to try new things. The barrier to entry for many hobbies is low. For hobbies that require equipment, the gear can often be rented at a reasonable cost.

My students are fairly well off in this department. They’ve shared ideas about new things they want to try and communities they might like to join at their universities. One student mentioned he’d like to try rowing. What a posh sport! But I love the idea. I hope he goes for it.

In class this past year, my students showed interest in all sorts of entertainment, from video games to horror and fantasy films. They’ve displayed budding creative sides, writing short stories and poetry on crazy, fun topics. I really hope they continue to develop their writing skills. They’ve shown such potential. If they don’t pursue writing, then I hope they keep developing their creativity in another medium. As I know, though, life takes you in many directions. We pick up new interests while others fall dormant.

Whatever they do, I know their creativity and curiosity will serve them well.

Safety

One final area of concern is safety. Traveling to China in 2017, I hadn’t thought much about this. I knew that without freedom of speech, I would do well to keep my mouth shut about politics. As someone with strong political opinions, that has been difficult for me. But many events I’ve seen here have reminded me of the necessity of my silence.

My students, though, are going to a place where we do have that freedom. They probably don’t think in these terms, but it must be at least a little frightening for them. True or not, China does feel like a very safe and orderly place. Rarely, if ever, will you see a public protest. That airtight environment makes America seem like the Wild West—a free-for-all of polemics and social unrest—and doubly so since the reelection of Donald Trump.

In the U.S., some people will abuse their rights, using their freedom of speech to denounce others’ right to do the same. This is an unavoidable result of such a right.

We must keep in mind the quotation attributed to Voltaire: “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” What others say can—and will—make you uncomfortable, but we must give each other this allowance if we are to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done.

I’ve tried my best to prepare them for this jarring inevitability. I’ve given them some basic information on how to interact with law-enforcement and immigration officials, and on their basic rights. Even so, it will be difficult for them to manage, even with the best preparation. I remain optimistic, though. I believe they will have overall positive experiences. They will make new friends, try many new things, and grow incredibly quickly as young adults. Personally, I would love to go back and have an experience like the one they’re about to have. It’s an amazing adventure.

My students are about to begin an important and exciting time in their lives. I absolutely cherish the privilege of having gotten to know them and teach them during the last few years. And just like that, with the fanfare of an hour-long ceremony on a Wednesday morning, they’ve finished their studies and moved on to new things. Like Neil Peart wrote in one song,

To my students, I say this: quickly the time sails by, and with your graduation, our time together has come to an end. I appreciate all your hard work and have the strongest belief in your future success and happiness. Bon voyage!