Last week, I wrote about my relationship with my wife, in particular some of the emotional difficulties that we have faced in our marriage of nearly six years. I discussed personal issues such as showing respect and conflicts over child-rearing methods. As I think about my son’s first year, from the tiny, red-faced screaming newborn he was to the clumsy, giggling toddler he is today, I see how important it is for me to work these problems out. This week, I want to take a look at the Bhagavad Gita as an ethics text and apply it to those problems.

The Bhagavad Gita is a poetic dialogue between Krishna and Arjuna. Krishna is Arjuna’s charioteer, and Arjuna is a warrior. They gather on the eve of a great battle between two sides of a family. Arjuna has misgivings about fighting and killing people he knows so well, which sparks the conversation between the two. Krishna convinces Arjuna to uphold his duty as a warrior to fight a righteous battle, while gradually revealing his divine nature to him. During their discussion, Krishna tells of the importance of duty, virtue, and devotion, arguing that Arjuna should let go of attachment to results. Instead, he should act purely from his duty as his dharma requires of him—and leave all the rest to Krishna.

Arjuna on family laws

Arjuna begins by expressing his strong desire to save his family from destruction. He tells Krishna that the laws of the family must be upheld and the family guarded against lawlessness. What is a person’s duty to preserve his family, and how far should he go to do so? The costs for Arjuna are real and great.

By contrast, my personal issues don’t involve life and death, but they nonetheless have important consequences. Unresolved differences wear away at a relationship over time, and at some point, if we don’t find a way to live with each other in a peaceful, loving way, the burden of an unhappy relationship will weigh heavily upon the family, especially for our child. As I discuss later, though, unpleasant actions shouldn’t necessarily be avoided just for their unpleasantness.

Krishna eventually convinces Arjuna that his role as a warrior supersedes his familial responsibilities. Arjuna’s actions uphold righteousness for everyone in society, a far greater impact than simply maintaining the integrity of his own family.

No one in my small family has such an important role to play. But like Arjuna and most people, I also have more than one hat to wear. I’m a teacher, a husband, and a person with his own needs and wants. But perhaps most importantly, I’m also a father. I’m inclined to say that being a father is more important than being a husband or even an individual. But is fatherhood still meaningful if I don’t care for myself or for my partner?

It’s difficult to find the right balance. My friends have unanimously encouraged me to put my own needs first, though my own mother has suggested that the problem is simply one of communicating more clearly with my wife.

The three qualities

The Gita mentions three natural qualities of humankind: purity, passion, and darkness. These qualities are in competition with each other for dominance over the soul. Passion and darkness are responsible for different kinds of undesirable attachment. Passion includes things like desire, greed, and busyness, while darkness manifests itself through laziness, negligence, and delusion. Having purity means being devoid of ego and being ascetic in thought, speech, and action.

The Gita argues that a person needs to let purity win over passion and darkness. Krishna specifically mentions the virtues of gentleness, compassion, and the absence of pride (Ch. 16.2), contrasting them with ignorance and “a harsh way of speaking.” This means that a couple should do their best to maintain their composure and speak with care for each other—something easier said than done.

Take the following example. My wife wants her mother to continue staying with us to help take care of our son, but I want her to go. In China, it’s common practice for the grandparents to take care of the grandchildren. They often live full-time with the couple and their child. How do I decide whose needs should be met?

If neither side budges, this would be a manifestation of passion, or greed. One side, desiring the help of the parents at the expense of the partner, is greedy. The other side, considering damaged pride, personal comfort, and lack of intimacy, also lets passion get in the way.

Another way to look at grandparents living with us is “darkness.” According to Krishna, darkness is laziness and negligence. In the US, most primary caretakers don’t take rely on the constant in-home support of their parents. In China, many people rely on their parents’ help so that Mom and Dad can both go to work to support the family. This industriousness is commendable. But if my wife isn’t working, choosing a grandparent’s help at the cost of her spouse might be “negligent” of her marital commitments.

A decision made from a state of “purity” might involve a compromise. For example, the grandparents could live in their own apartment and come over during the day to take care of the grandchildren. The couple could ask the grandparents to rent their own apartment if they are from another city. For a Chinese person, that would probably be a difficult demand to make to an older generation, though. As I mention later, I actually really want to be involved in my son’s care-taking, and these compromises that would allow me to do that.

I have some other options. I could let the issue go and do my best to accept living in close quarters with my mother-in-law because it’s what my wife wants. It certainly makes her life easier and gives her someone to talk to during the day while I’m out at work.

On the other hand, it might make it harder for my wife when her mother eventually leaves or we move to another country. My wife will suddenly have to collaborate with me much more closely, something which she isn’t eager to do, since we have such different ideas about child-rearing. It might make the most sense to let her mother stay, but gradually reduce the number of things she does, to make the change more gentle and palatable for my wife. Sooner or later, her mother will need to return to her own family back in her hometown.

Dharma and social roles

The Gita only mentions “respect” twice in passing, but it manifests itself in terms of fulfilling one’s dharma, or virtue. Krishna tells Arjuna that not fulfilling his duty as a warrior to fight in a righteous battle, even if against his own kin, would be met with ridicule from others, emphasizing the social importance of each person’s obligations.

Likewise, two parents need to consider what their responsibilities and obligations are. Traditionally, a husband has needed to provide physical and financial security, while a wife has taken on a role as a caretaker, providing emotional support. As parents, fathers traditionally provide discipline, while mothers provide care by creating a warm and safe home environment. But these are just that—traditional—and they don’t fit the socioeconomic reality of modern life.

Nowadays, in many families, both parents work while children are taken care of by day-care facilities or nannies. The role of caretaker is shouldered by both parents, too.

I never had a traditional role in mind for myself as a father. My own vision of fatherhood was to be a stay-at-home dad. During the first few months of my son’s life, I took care of our son at night while my wife did during the day, giving her an opportunity to sleep well while recovering from a difficult pregnancy. Unfortunately, the reality became clear that I must work while my wife stays at home to take care of our son. For me, this is a big sacrifice that I still sometimes find difficult to accept.

Taking on this traditional role, I have to accept the responsibilities that come with being the breadwinner in the family. My role as caretaker will necessarily be secondary to that of my wife.

Renunciation of the “fruits of action”

This idea of acceptance is another important aspect of the Bhagavad Gita’s teachings. Krishna tells Arjuna to develop an inner sense of peace and equanimity toward all things, good or bad. Part of that is accepting things that are out of my control. I can’t change the fact that I have to work away from my family so they can have a place to live and an enjoyable, comfortable life. I can’t change my wife’s attitude towards our relationship—all I can do is act with the gentleness and compassion that each person deserves to be treated with.

Developing this inner equanimity toward the outside world is one of the key points of the Gita. Only by realizing our attachments to desire can we achieve liberation from the endless cycle of reincarnation. While I don’t believe in the soul or in reincarnation, I do believe that the Gita is right to advocate for these virtues. Nor can we expect any return for our efforts to be better—this is what the Gita means by giving up the “fruits of action.” We should do these things because they are the right thing to do. The outcomes of our actions are out of our control, anyway.

It’s not clear whether these virtues alone can guarantee that I will be able to solve my relationship issues. After all, I’m only one half of the equation. But it could pave the way for more open communication about any issues that we have.

Even if someone feels that they aren’t being heard in their marriage, I understand the Gita to mean that they should still make a good-faith effort to improve the relationship. If things don’t work out and divorce results, two parents must do their best to maintain an amicable relationship with each other for the sake of their children. Divorce is hard enough on them without having to deal with two parents who can’t get along.

Summary

Family relationships can be complex. Marriage is a long-term project with many difficult obstacles along the way, one of the biggest of which is managing the transition into parenthood. And it is a one-way street. A person’s self-concept and priorities can change completely after the birth of a child. It happened to me. I didn’t know what I wanted in life before the birth of my son, but his birth gave me a new purpose and direction, one that I admittedly wasn’t prepared for. My wife was surprised by this change, too, and it added to the stress of pregnancy and childbirth.

I’m my son’s father, and I want the best for him—a happy home, a clean and safe environment, opportunities to learn and grow as much as possible.

This is why I write these articles. It helps me reflect on my life and make wiser decisions. If there’s anything I can take from the Gita, it’s that I should take every action to reach my goals and fulfill my responsibilities. I should always treat others humbly, gently, and compassionately. Writing helps remind me of this.

I should also remember that many things are out of my control. Even with the best of efforts, I may still fail, like my son does when he climbs the living room couch but repeatedly falls off. One of the points of the Gita is understanding your place in the world, and doing what your nature commands of you. For me, as a husband and father, I need to consider what’s best for my family. My son can’t know what’s good for him since he’s so young. In the end, I will have to advocate for myself and for our son to make sure that he can grow up well.